german latterns

               She was looking at the window at that snow falling down and not melting...At the sparkling road with dirty cars, at the dim yeallow laterns and changing traffic lights of the crossroad...
               Everything was so usuall...The world was living by its standard rules, so standard and usual that people forgot the meaning of all these principles. They follow them automatically, without even single thought, like animals moving by reflexes they would probably prefer never to have. What is her main instinct? Simply self-protection like for the wildest animals? And if it has psychological nature, that is even worse...
               For some moment she imagined her life which also looked very undefined and unclear as if it was lightend by those yellow laterns. Yellow laterns which are made by Germans to save energy. So did she. She tried not to bother to comprehend the results of her actions and absence of actions (which is even worse when the action is required).
               She knew that as soon as she start to change something around the world will punish her. And from her past experience she had an idea how sevire this punishment can be. She knew that if she does nothing, the curcumstances can change themselves. And maybe it will be favourable to her... Maybe not, but inaction and sweet feeling of ignorance would at the end hurt maybe not her, she is ready to that, but the people who had no idea of some future event. Maybe not all the people, one person...
               Does it matter how many? Can she use an excuse that the person who will suffer is imperfect as well? Can she convince herself that the person who potentionally might be hurt would do the same she is doing? And after that close the eyes, look at another more optimistic direction and forget about the whole issue for a while.
               Like a poor family in a story of the Russian shriftsteller Zoshenko. They got electricity to their room and understood how miserable they are. They realised that the room requires repairment. But they had no money for that and decided to live in a darkness, without electricity. To live ignoring the problem like they did before.
               Maybe it is a way. But if she can accept the sufferning of a single person (potentional sufferning of course) because she does not want to suffer herself, does that mean that she is a bad person? Or she is unperfect just like all people around. Is she sure that she wants to change world? To change the world starting with herself?
               She knows what she will do. She moved, closed the curtains not to see the yellow german latterns and went to bed thinking about completely differnt things.