Wednesday, April 28, 2010
another day in the office 4
Here I would like to talk about the lamest excuse I ever have heard. When I start to complain about something, some mishaps or obstacles in my way, some people answer: "Ya know, there are some people who live in the street and have nothing to eat. You should be happy that you are not one of them."
I heard this expression many times from people from different countries. Honestly, I do not find this comparison reasonable. People do not compare the economy of the United States and the economy of Ethiopia. Nobody tells: " Ya know, what crisis over there? We are happy with our unemployment money, especially in comparison with people from Ethiopia".
Also people who tell the stuff like that do not really know how much time and energy I spent to get the result I want. Are people living in the street work eleven hours a day? Are they ready to study five years? Are they ready not to date with anybody, because they have an assignment to finish?
Maybe people have approximately equal potential from the birth, but some of them invest more in their development and other invest less. And it is impossible to tell that 2 people over 20 can be equal. No, everybody gets what he deserves (with adjustments to good luck). Well, another problem is that people do not have equal opportunities. But it is a different problem. But anyway, I think that every normal person in long term is able to organize his life in a way not to live in the street and to have some food to eat.
So, the comparison with homeless and other people with mental issues always sounds offensive for me. And I am very surprise why people from different country use this lame excuse. Interesting, if all those people think alike? If yes, what kind of logic brought them to this inference?
I heard this expression many times from people from different countries. Honestly, I do not find this comparison reasonable. People do not compare the economy of the United States and the economy of Ethiopia. Nobody tells: " Ya know, what crisis over there? We are happy with our unemployment money, especially in comparison with people from Ethiopia".
Also people who tell the stuff like that do not really know how much time and energy I spent to get the result I want. Are people living in the street work eleven hours a day? Are they ready to study five years? Are they ready not to date with anybody, because they have an assignment to finish?
Maybe people have approximately equal potential from the birth, but some of them invest more in their development and other invest less. And it is impossible to tell that 2 people over 20 can be equal. No, everybody gets what he deserves (with adjustments to good luck). Well, another problem is that people do not have equal opportunities. But it is a different problem. But anyway, I think that every normal person in long term is able to organize his life in a way not to live in the street and to have some food to eat.
So, the comparison with homeless and other people with mental issues always sounds offensive for me. And I am very surprise why people from different country use this lame excuse. Interesting, if all those people think alike? If yes, what kind of logic brought them to this inference?
another day in the office 3
I know why people do not change their job even if they can't stand it, why they do not divorce husbands who do not attract them physically, why they eat the same fattening snacks even if they want to loose their weight.
That's not only the matter of habit, also they do not move forward because they are more or less comfortable in the current situation and afraid that the changes either will be too difficult to implement or will lead to even worse combination.
It is human nature to find thousands excuses for out complexes, laziness and fears. I am telling myself that I can't go back to Russia, because I love my gym and afraid that my next job will consume all my time. How ridiculous it sounds in writing!
Based on this thought I am locking myself in the office I do not like and can't change because of the visa condition. Do I really need and deserve that?
I would like to quote one comparison from Coelho. That's about a frog. If a frog sits in the water which is gradually heated up, the animal does not feel the temperature changes. And at the moment the water boils the frog dies, fat and happy.
That's what I am afraid, to be consumed by routine and nothingness. I am afraid to be consumed by my own excuses and procrastination. And I am afraid of that more than I am afraid of changes (which I am also afraid of like all humans).
So, I have to be confident and make the steps forward, otherwise the frog's destiny will be mine as well...
That's not only the matter of habit, also they do not move forward because they are more or less comfortable in the current situation and afraid that the changes either will be too difficult to implement or will lead to even worse combination.
It is human nature to find thousands excuses for out complexes, laziness and fears. I am telling myself that I can't go back to Russia, because I love my gym and afraid that my next job will consume all my time. How ridiculous it sounds in writing!
Based on this thought I am locking myself in the office I do not like and can't change because of the visa condition. Do I really need and deserve that?
I would like to quote one comparison from Coelho. That's about a frog. If a frog sits in the water which is gradually heated up, the animal does not feel the temperature changes. And at the moment the water boils the frog dies, fat and happy.
That's what I am afraid, to be consumed by routine and nothingness. I am afraid to be consumed by my own excuses and procrastination. And I am afraid of that more than I am afraid of changes (which I am also afraid of like all humans).
So, I have to be confident and make the steps forward, otherwise the frog's destiny will be mine as well...
Sunday, April 25, 2010
who's fault?
About a month ago I was talking to my mom about my negative sides of charachter. I needed to clarify that for my MBA admission essay and decided that the person who knows me the best is my mom.
So, I called her and she named several my negative traits. Honestly I found an excuse for all of them except one. She told me that I make men fall in love with me and then leave them. At the beginning I did not know what to answer. It felt like she was completely right.
But today it daunted to me why I do so. Usually when men want to attract a woman they do their best. Rhey try to be creative, interesting. They try to impress girls and look good for her. It works.
Girls get attracted. They date, enjoy each other..Then men get tired of constant thinking, they realise that they can't be perfect all the time. They want to be themselves finally, is something wrong with that?
So, they relax and start to show their real personalities...It can be different. Somebody can be cheap, somebody can be boring - it does not really matters. They relax more and more with every date...Initial flowers, attention, dinners, rommance - everything slowly disapperes. They reduce the amount of their charm and attraction from day to day. And they think that if girl does not complain it is ok. They think they already got her and there is no need to make any further attempts.
At some point, girls get tired. They feel that men used them, that men lied to them...In my case that point comes really early. And I always feel deceived. Even more...usually I am able to keep track on development of relationships and be smart enough to desappear before he has fell in love.
Sometimes I see than on the 2nd date, which becomes the last one. Usually they do not understand what happened or pretend that they did not. They think that they can fix everything. They think that it is my freakiness...
So, mom, whose fault is that? Who is more guilty the man who lied from the beginning and pretend the person who he isn't or me who happened not to fall in love with a real person I saw?
PS
And if I am not in love how can I be with somebody I am not telling the whole life but even several years? How I can lie in the same bed with him and see all his negative and positive traits so clearly? How can I be comfortable with the person I am not really attracted by? How can I have children from the man I do not love? How it is possible to love children from the man I do not love?
So, I called her and she named several my negative traits. Honestly I found an excuse for all of them except one. She told me that I make men fall in love with me and then leave them. At the beginning I did not know what to answer. It felt like she was completely right.
But today it daunted to me why I do so. Usually when men want to attract a woman they do their best. Rhey try to be creative, interesting. They try to impress girls and look good for her. It works.
Girls get attracted. They date, enjoy each other..Then men get tired of constant thinking, they realise that they can't be perfect all the time. They want to be themselves finally, is something wrong with that?
So, they relax and start to show their real personalities...It can be different. Somebody can be cheap, somebody can be boring - it does not really matters. They relax more and more with every date...Initial flowers, attention, dinners, rommance - everything slowly disapperes. They reduce the amount of their charm and attraction from day to day. And they think that if girl does not complain it is ok. They think they already got her and there is no need to make any further attempts.
At some point, girls get tired. They feel that men used them, that men lied to them...In my case that point comes really early. And I always feel deceived. Even more...usually I am able to keep track on development of relationships and be smart enough to desappear before he has fell in love.
Sometimes I see than on the 2nd date, which becomes the last one. Usually they do not understand what happened or pretend that they did not. They think that they can fix everything. They think that it is my freakiness...
So, mom, whose fault is that? Who is more guilty the man who lied from the beginning and pretend the person who he isn't or me who happened not to fall in love with a real person I saw?
PS
And if I am not in love how can I be with somebody I am not telling the whole life but even several years? How I can lie in the same bed with him and see all his negative and positive traits so clearly? How can I be comfortable with the person I am not really attracted by? How can I have children from the man I do not love? How it is possible to love children from the man I do not love?
Friday, April 23, 2010
does the winner stand alone?
On Wednesday I bought a book at the train station news paper stand. I love books and wish I had more time for them. Reading of fiction for me looks like wasting of time. It is better to give a call to my mom, to run on a treadmill, to read something I need for my work. All this actions are real, they move my life forward. Reading of fiction is more like watching poor content TV shows and generally doing nothing.
But I like it. So, I read in English. At least I can make an excuse for myself that I am improving my language skills, which is true at some extent.
The name of the book is The Winner Stands Alone of Paolo Coelho. It is a regular book about money, feelings and freaks- all is just as I like. It's the regular adventure book in which people become desperate and happy, sick and murdered, rational and illogical, hating and loving.
At night I had to make several calls to Russia, so I decided to read the book to fill the time between the calls. In total I read about 46 pages, but I am not about it. The heading is really interesting. I do not agree that only the winner is the person which stands alone. A loser also can be alone, forgotten by everybody, lonely and disgruntled. The winner attracts people who want to get the part of benefits he can provide to them. Different relatives, grammar school friends and people who accidentally met him will ask him to help to find a job, to lend some money for two weeks or to do any other favor. But who is interested in loser?
And why does so successful and apparently very intelligent leader stand alone? Let's start from workaholics...they do stand alone. Sometimes it goes so crazy that people who concentrated on their careers do not know what to do when they get some time for themselves. And of course they do not have anybody close to spend time together, they invested all the energy in the company they worked for, not in relationships and other stuff. They were to busy working (what does not always mean making money and enjoying the things they are doing) that forgot how to talk to other people, enjoy a movie or just relax with the a mag of coffee and book the whole morning. The people like that can forget what they really want and concentrate on the careers which happened to them.
Or it can be different, people can love their work. I mean that they can be really interested in the things they are doing, because those activities match their personalities. In this case people can became extremely intelligent in one particular sphere and ignorant of the rest of the world. Usually narrow specialists can't conduct the conversation to the variety of topics and the rest of the world does not wish to talk about their professional interests all the times. Such type of people thinks that they are superior others. They do not realize that the advantage they have is really limited by their profession.
Another type of winners who feel lonely are people who are smarter than the people from their surroundings. These winners/leaders do not have anybody equal to talk to. At some point they realize that nobody really can give them a useful
to be continued
But I like it. So, I read in English. At least I can make an excuse for myself that I am improving my language skills, which is true at some extent.
The name of the book is The Winner Stands Alone of Paolo Coelho. It is a regular book about money, feelings and freaks- all is just as I like. It's the regular adventure book in which people become desperate and happy, sick and murdered, rational and illogical, hating and loving.
At night I had to make several calls to Russia, so I decided to read the book to fill the time between the calls. In total I read about 46 pages, but I am not about it. The heading is really interesting. I do not agree that only the winner is the person which stands alone. A loser also can be alone, forgotten by everybody, lonely and disgruntled. The winner attracts people who want to get the part of benefits he can provide to them. Different relatives, grammar school friends and people who accidentally met him will ask him to help to find a job, to lend some money for two weeks or to do any other favor. But who is interested in loser?
And why does so successful and apparently very intelligent leader stand alone? Let's start from workaholics...they do stand alone. Sometimes it goes so crazy that people who concentrated on their careers do not know what to do when they get some time for themselves. And of course they do not have anybody close to spend time together, they invested all the energy in the company they worked for, not in relationships and other stuff. They were to busy working (what does not always mean making money and enjoying the things they are doing) that forgot how to talk to other people, enjoy a movie or just relax with the a mag of coffee and book the whole morning. The people like that can forget what they really want and concentrate on the careers which happened to them.
Or it can be different, people can love their work. I mean that they can be really interested in the things they are doing, because those activities match their personalities. In this case people can became extremely intelligent in one particular sphere and ignorant of the rest of the world. Usually narrow specialists can't conduct the conversation to the variety of topics and the rest of the world does not wish to talk about their professional interests all the times. Such type of people thinks that they are superior others. They do not realize that the advantage they have is really limited by their profession.
Another type of winners who feel lonely are people who are smarter than the people from their surroundings. These winners/leaders do not have anybody equal to talk to. At some point they realize that nobody really can give them a useful
to be continued
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
another day in the office 2
From the first part of this story it becomes clear that I do not really like my work. The same tasks every day. Nothing really depends on me. No money. I am not complaining, what I have now is the result of my actions in my past. I came to the States to improve my English, pass TOEFL and GMAT. I did it somehow.
There is another saying: Life is that what happens when you are busy making plans. My plans are great. No problems with that. And no realization. In the university I used to think that everything would change as soon I graduated. I graduated two years ago...nothing really changed yet.
Usually a yoga instructor from the gym tells us to ask ourselves if our mind is preoccupied with past or future events. My mind is completely devoted to the future. What I will do when I quit? That's the main thought. How can I use my skills and knowledge to get paid? How to be able to do what I like and still get paid? If I am so smart, why I am so poor?
I know that I can't be successful doing things I do not like. Audit, accounting. Operations. Any routine processes. I am more creative.
The more I think about the future the more I understand that the position I want does not exist. I have to create a working place myself. But doing what? Maybe some of my ideas are too complicated to become truth. Maybe I do not know how to live my life.
Well, sleeping in the office eight hours a day and being busy with the tasks I do not like will never bring me closer to my goal. Those activities do not accelerate my career as well. Probably that's what people call self-destruction in its purest kind. And probably my attitude is my main problem. Change of the place, country and employer does not lead to happiness. I have to change basics. It's not in my power to change myself completely. I can't love the things I barely tolerate. So, I have nothing to do than to change the area of my occupation in general. It should not be accounting or any routine job of this kind. No stupid boss and unnecessary limitations. No ineffective ways of work.
Yes...my mind is preoccupied with the future events, the events I have to initiate to change my life...
There is another saying: Life is that what happens when you are busy making plans. My plans are great. No problems with that. And no realization. In the university I used to think that everything would change as soon I graduated. I graduated two years ago...nothing really changed yet.
Usually a yoga instructor from the gym tells us to ask ourselves if our mind is preoccupied with past or future events. My mind is completely devoted to the future. What I will do when I quit? That's the main thought. How can I use my skills and knowledge to get paid? How to be able to do what I like and still get paid? If I am so smart, why I am so poor?
I know that I can't be successful doing things I do not like. Audit, accounting. Operations. Any routine processes. I am more creative.
The more I think about the future the more I understand that the position I want does not exist. I have to create a working place myself. But doing what? Maybe some of my ideas are too complicated to become truth. Maybe I do not know how to live my life.
Well, sleeping in the office eight hours a day and being busy with the tasks I do not like will never bring me closer to my goal. Those activities do not accelerate my career as well. Probably that's what people call self-destruction in its purest kind. And probably my attitude is my main problem. Change of the place, country and employer does not lead to happiness. I have to change basics. It's not in my power to change myself completely. I can't love the things I barely tolerate. So, I have nothing to do than to change the area of my occupation in general. It should not be accounting or any routine job of this kind. No stupid boss and unnecessary limitations. No ineffective ways of work.
Yes...my mind is preoccupied with the future events, the events I have to initiate to change my life...
another day in the office
Another Wednesday. Everything is the same. Office. Sleepy people. The smell of cheap coffee. The sound of printed out documents. And feeling that something should happen but has not happen yet. Every day is the same...
There is an expression that every smoked cigar shorten a life by 10 minutes, every bottle of vodka by 30 minutes and every day at office by 8 hours...
That's about me. Even more in my case if include in the formula the time I commute to work, the time I feel tired after work and the time I am thinking how to avoid my work and do it smoother for me. To be busy with the things I do not like takes so much of me.
Sometimes I feel like I am misspending my life...Even the thoughts that my present occupation is merely temporary do not help. I am temporary myself.
I want to do the things which are interesting for me, to choose my projects myself and get the results which move me forward. Yes, I can quit my job and I will do so soon enough. But what next? To find a similar position? And work to be able to pay my rent?
To open my own business? How I will finance it? That's the question.
Get MBA degree? Will any bank give me the loan I need? The same question.
To write a book? What will I eat during this time? I definitely have to find the answer.
Who told that money did not buy the happiness? Somebody really wealthy I guess. The lack of money definitely buys you misery.
A lot of questions. Even more options. Not one is easy. Are any of them possible?
It is depressing and exciting is the same time, depends on which emotion to concentrate. There is no shortcut to the way how to live my life. Nobody can give me a right advice, because nobody knows me better that I do. Only I responsible for the results of my decisions.
Yes...Let's see what happen tomorrow. By tomorrow I mean the day when I will be able to do what I want not what the society expects from me. The day when I won't enjoy seeing sleepy and disgruntled faces of the colleagues I have nothing to talk about, inhale the smell of their coffees and expect the things which probably never happen.
There is an expression that every smoked cigar shorten a life by 10 minutes, every bottle of vodka by 30 minutes and every day at office by 8 hours...
That's about me. Even more in my case if include in the formula the time I commute to work, the time I feel tired after work and the time I am thinking how to avoid my work and do it smoother for me. To be busy with the things I do not like takes so much of me.
Sometimes I feel like I am misspending my life...Even the thoughts that my present occupation is merely temporary do not help. I am temporary myself.
I want to do the things which are interesting for me, to choose my projects myself and get the results which move me forward. Yes, I can quit my job and I will do so soon enough. But what next? To find a similar position? And work to be able to pay my rent?
To open my own business? How I will finance it? That's the question.
Get MBA degree? Will any bank give me the loan I need? The same question.
To write a book? What will I eat during this time? I definitely have to find the answer.
Who told that money did not buy the happiness? Somebody really wealthy I guess. The lack of money definitely buys you misery.
A lot of questions. Even more options. Not one is easy. Are any of them possible?
It is depressing and exciting is the same time, depends on which emotion to concentrate. There is no shortcut to the way how to live my life. Nobody can give me a right advice, because nobody knows me better that I do. Only I responsible for the results of my decisions.
Yes...Let's see what happen tomorrow. By tomorrow I mean the day when I will be able to do what I want not what the society expects from me. The day when I won't enjoy seeing sleepy and disgruntled faces of the colleagues I have nothing to talk about, inhale the smell of their coffees and expect the things which probably never happen.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
perfect couple
Today I needed to buy shoes. When I went from the Newport mall with the desired purchase I saw a couple of people. A man and a woman. They came to the train stop and the women stood in the corner. The men looked at her and told: "Watch were you are standing, it's a spit-center". Then he came closer to her and showed her the place on which she was standing. The woman did not react. Then man started to yell: " It is so disgusting! You are in flip-flops over there! You are disgusting!" "There is nothing over there. It is printed on your glasses! Already seven years"- answered the woman.
Then the man got really mad. He could not tell anything new, so he just repeated the word "disgusting". The woman also could not stand that, so she went to another side of the train stop to hide from him. Then the man noticed, he got worried. He was walking around, looking everywhere but could not find her...
He came back and stood on his old place. He look worried. He was looking for her. When the train came the woman approached the man from behind and scared him. For the moment their faces looked happy.
Then they got into the train and sat in far from each other, but not that far they could not see each other.
I was looking at them and thinking how amazingly they matched.
Then the man got really mad. He could not tell anything new, so he just repeated the word "disgusting". The woman also could not stand that, so she went to another side of the train stop to hide from him. Then the man noticed, he got worried. He was walking around, looking everywhere but could not find her...
He came back and stood on his old place. He look worried. He was looking for her. When the train came the woman approached the man from behind and scared him. For the moment their faces looked happy.
Then they got into the train and sat in far from each other, but not that far they could not see each other.
I was looking at them and thinking how amazingly they matched.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
russian bitch (devoted to the man I like...)
I found her profile in Internet and decided to take a chance and get to know her closer. I wrote to her and she answered. We started talking. I could never pronounce her weird foreign name correctly, so I used to call her baby. When we dated I always paid for dinners. She was very cheap, lived in industrial part of New Jersey with a bunch of retarded roommates. She had broken English and I had a hard time with her. But her body was young and curves were appealing. Sex was good, especialy without a condom. But if she got pregnant I would tell her to do an abortion and break up with her. Her visa expired. She could not keep up here any more and went back to Russia. Russian bitch, I have never loved her.
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